U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It was like getting head from an anaconda
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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