I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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