Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
