He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
3 2 1 whiskey
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
