Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize