Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
