Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
