did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
