im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize