I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
