I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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