I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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