I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
