So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
