Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
