why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
