Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
soo... how was my night?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
