I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize