Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
