Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
