Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
