I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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