Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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