im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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