I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
