I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize