when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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