He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize