Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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