I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
