I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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