Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
