I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
