this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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