Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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