Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
