i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
