i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
