and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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