i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
