I met the friendliest cop last night
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
