the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize