Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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