just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
he's gonorrhea incarnate
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
