thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
