it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
