u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
