I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
