I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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