My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
