somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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