Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
