How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
