sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
