You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
