I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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