Life is so much better after having sex.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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