I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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