dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
