just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
