i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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