Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
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