hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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