The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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