I wish they made helmets for livers.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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