did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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