I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize