I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
