i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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