dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
