Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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