It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
