is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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