UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
