Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
